‘Shattered’ – isn’t that dramatic – is not referring to my life after the ‘accident’, which rightfully would have been shattered at the time, or it even ought to have been shattered at the time, as one may think when judging this by a standard of what a happy life should look like. Disability is still quite a ‘shouldn’t be’, and it will hardly exist in someone’s life if not directly confronted with a disabled friend, relative or acqaintance. I’ve read that something really doesn’t exist for someone if that something weren’t really real to him or her in the first place. That’s the way it used to be with me; disabled people didn’t exist in my universe, they were of no importance during my ‘healthy life’. Well, that has changed quite a bit by now…
However it may seem, the contrary applies. Despite physical discomfort and physical can’t do’s, on average I feel at least as happy as I used to feel before my stroke and – what I actually like – to a certain degree I feel released from a busy social existence filled with all kinds of useful and less useful obligations and behavioural patterns. So it’s not all doom and gloom, and ‘if only I could…’. The present reality, my ‘new life’, seems to have been incorporated by me quite easily, without that I actually had to do very much. Maybe aside from practicing all the time and feeling better because of that, although occasionally it seems there’d be progress anyway, progress that doesn’t really seem to be a consequence of practicing, but something more unpredictable, like the result of natural recovery for example. But by practicing I at least keep my hopes up for recovery in the future. Elementary, my dear Watson.
In the first place, ‘Shattered’ is sort of erroneously referring only to the random, anecdotal, spontaneous or haphazard way in which these thoughts are noted down, also in an attempt to write them down once more for third parties, so that they don’t have to reinvent the wheel all over again. And as well to show you a bit what is possible too. No pretense, by the way.
‘Shattered’ is also referring to the very different parts – chapters you might say – of my life, where I can barely remember – or more precisely – imagine how it used to be way back when, probably because of an inevitable and very present different today. Once I was frisky, agile, succesful and independent, today I’m disabled, choking, laughing and crying. And these last four states happening at the same time, quite often. So things are not necessarily less intense, but they defintely are at least as strenuous for me and my immediate environment. Never a dull moment. Although a life which finds its forward thrust first and foremost in knowing that girls exist, which can also be conquered, had it’s interesting aspects too. The above should not be interpreted as a go-ahead to fuck around, to unfaithfulness or frivolity.
Of course, this blog has mainly an autobiographical character, but it can be known for its rather devious viewpoints on many issues. Or as it’s says here on a tile: you don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it sure as hell will make it a lot easier…
‘Shattered’ could also be referring to my memory being somewhat fragmented, and it therefore should not be taken too seriously, especcially when dealing with certain actal facts. Shortly after my stroke nighmares blended in with reality seamlessly, and this made it impossible to know what was real and what was merely dreamt. This plus medication, narcoses and surgery will no doubt have had their effect on me. Although this blog is about my opinions and ideas rather than about actual events, when necessary I had the actual events checked by someone else’s memory or looked up the facts myself in the official newssites, so I think you are decently safeguarded against inaccuracies in the stories I will tell you.
Way of writing
Finally, ‘Shatttered’ could refer to the way these columns are written. In these stories there’s something added or changed all the time, in other words, the columns are constantly being edited. But the author himself is doing that. There’ constantly a little correction, or a little piece or a paragraph added or changed, usually to adapt the column to news happening, an idea I had to put in there or add, something I read, etc. In short these little texts come in pieces, fragments, or a kind of columns. Don’t you get a wrong idea therefore by the number of times this blog has been read. Usually it was just me, wanting to add a little correction.